#and a self therapy kind of thing

[purpleshadow-star]

Personally, I think Andrew would really like the song "I Sent My Therapist To Therapy" by Alec Benjamin. I think he would find it super amusing. He plays it for Neil one day and asks him if he ghostwrote it. Neil isn't amused. He then plays it for Bee one day in therapy, and she finds it much more amusing, though he finds the following questions and analysis of why he finds it relatable were less so. Secretly, though, Bee is just happy that Andrew found something that he liked enough that he cared to share it.

[sanguith]

I have this theory that people with anxiety who also consume horror media do so because they actually find it calming. So:

[curioscurio]

I finally decided to finish Steven Universe Future and its a little scary how much I identified with Steven this time around. Who am I kidding it was like looking in a mirror. . I have got to move the FUCK out

[official-english-major]

Not really an artist (this is my first attempt at digital art) but I was not seeing nearly enough fanart of Odysseus on Calypso's island

[oneroomjestershow]

Haii, how are u doing? :>

[astriiformes]

Had a really good conversation with my therapist yesterday that has left me feeling better about life & the future than I have in... months, honestly (which also has me feeling really good about her ability to help me continue sorting through things).

I was talking about my distress about the future and in particular what I'm going to do when I graduate, since grad school isn't the most stable option, and she pointed out that since I was spiraling over hypotheticals, maybe it made sense to simply make up my mind about the first step, since applying to grad school is hardly the same as committing to grad school. And she was so right. I am so good at feeling like I need to make the right, perfect decision -- especially after making mistakes with school in the past -- that I have been worrying myself into depressive spirals over what the "right" decision is here. But making up my mind to at least apply and find out what my options are is a decision, that will give me a lot more information in the long run than paralysis over if it's "okay" to apply at all.

It'll still take a lot of work, obviously, and l don't know if I'll even get in anywhere, much less actually commit to doing a PhD if I do. But it has taken such an incredible weight off my shoulders just to say "Okay, I am going to apply, what next?" Because it means I can put all that nervous energy to actual use! Instead of spiraling the next time I start thinking about my options in the future, I can go do research on different PhD programs (without feeling guilty the whole time, like I have been until now)! I can ask my favorite professors for advice! I can reach out to current grad students to ask what they think of their advisors! All of which is actually productive and will help me make the most informed choice I can if and when the time comes, instead of ruminating endlessly on what the "best" one is!

TL;DR -- my therapist is very smart and understands me and the things my brain gets stuck on in a big way, and her advice has dislodged literal months of extremely disordered thinking just like that. Because now I feel like I've made a choice and have something to work towards. And also like I can breathe.

[theartinmyheart]

🩵🩵🩵

[thedreadvampy]

anyway this week I leant on my therapist's shoulder and ugly cried for like 10 minutes and as I was leaving I was like 'don't give me that face' and she was like 'I'm just very proud of your progress!' and I'm like 😡😡😡😡😡 THANK YOU 😡😡😡😡😡

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[dhs-in-distress]

Well now I'm curious 👀

God, I wish I could project my brain waves onto this screen cause words do not do the absolute insanity that is Scatters’ choices justice.

Like, it‘s complicated. He has issues and traumas that caused a lot of his personality quirks and in the end it‘s possible for him to learn, become a better person and ultimately be the truest and best version of himself. That‘s later down the line though, a large portion of his character journey is just,, pain and suffering, often self inflicted as well. Like that one guy said: „It‘s like a car crash in slow motion, terrible and painful to watch, but you just can‘t look away.“

To name a few things Scatters actively does to self sabotage:

- hurting others on purpose, sometimes physically but mostly just by being terrible to them. This is solely so he doesn‘t have the opportunity to form meaningful connections (one of if not the only exception to this is Cliffjumper, who also does this exact same thing (only on his off time ofc, mostly…), which made the two kind of gravitate towards one another because they remind each other of themselves. They only call each other „acquaintances“ but do care deeply about one another. Which leads me right into my next point!)

- delusion. Telling himself that everyone (even the people who despite everything still believe he can change for the better) hates him and that he hates them even more and that he shouldn‘t form bonds with others anymore. That it‘s better for everyone involved that way. That he doesn‘t have to hurt them and push them away if he just never gets involved. That he should di- ANYWAY.

- running away. Yes I mean that literally. I‘ve managed to accidentally make Scatters physically running away from people and problems alike a,, thing he does regularly. If you can‘t keep them away metaphorically you gotta improvise I guess!

- betrayal. In the non-lethal way, not the Scar and Mufasa kinda way. Though if it had gotten too bad too quickly in the beginning he might‘ve… . Anyway, betrayal is similar to the first point, just even worse. If someone somehow manages to attach themselves emotionally to him, and he‘s failed in making himself believe that they hate him and that he hates them, only disappointing and betraying them will make them see that he‘s not worth having around. „It‘s for their own good“ he said angstily before disappearing into the shadows (probably to cry).

So yeah, in a way the consequences for his actions are the entire goal, doing terrible things so that others will see him as a bad person, treat him badly and ostracise him. But the real consequences are that he wasn‘t ready for team prime. Cause he betrays them, on purpose, three times. (Well it‘s 4 but I‘m not getting into that right now.) The first time everything goes according to plan, bad actions, getting hated. Somehow they (mostly) manage to forgive him, begrudgingly take him back in after he almost dies „because no one deserves to die, even if they‘re a bad person“ (or something like that). It severely throws Scatters off his game, cause that never really happened before and he doesn’t know how to feel now. The second time he lets it slip that „that was the whole point“ when they question him about his intentions and that he‘s (being) a terrible person. He‘s also a lot less enthusiastic about it and does something a lot less bad, which helps in getting OP suspicious and accepting him back him again. The third and final time Scatters finally breaks down about how everything was really just about getting them to finally hate him, so that he can let himself hate them again too. Because somewhere along the way he‘d grown fond of them and that‘s just not right. He can‘t explain why though, other than that he can‘t let anyone else do this to him, or let himself do something to them… that things such as these never well.

Then emotional honesty happens,, or something, idk I might need to stop now while I still can before I fall over into another rant about the team dynamics and the actual work Scatters needs to do and begrudgingly does to let himself like other people again and let himself be helped and MOVE ON FROM HIS 1 MILLION YEAR LONG DEAD BOYFRIEND FFS. THAT GUY CAUSED ALL OF THIS SHIT ANYWAY! Where was I,,, right I should probably stop and go to bed now. If some of this comes across weird or wrong or completely incomprehensible it‘s because I didn‘t prove read ANY of it. Wow now I‘m sabotaging myself, I‘m just like him fr! (/j)

Anyway, tldr: the consequences are everything that happens to him which is sometimes his goal but surprisingly even more shit happens to him that wasn’t on purpose which is absolutely terrible,, and therapy hopefully. Oh and prison too technically, they do lock him up each time cause he always steals something along the way, sometimes a little more than others (cough bank robbery). But yeah uuh the vulnerability problems are only one thing, there‘s also the stockades ptsd, which I already ranted about, the OTHER dead boyfriend trauma, which I could go so in depth about I might dig myself into an early grave and also the earth‘s core, and all of the war stuff.

God I should stop torturing my OCs at some point, I think they‘ve bad enough…

[phoebehalliwell]

it's really interesting to me that chris like the black sheep of the family but. barely. and its self imposed. like they all love him and they like spending time with him his black sheep status is a mirror of his feelings + his odd dynamic with the adults (specifically leo and paige, because i feel like the others know how to be normal) when he doesn't know Why that weird dynamic is there on his part. to all the other cousins there's no black sheep that's their cousin chris he's just as loved and wanted as the rest of them sorry about ur daddy issues and complex about ur brother we wish u would have fun just once (this is how i interp it!! i actively encourage u to correct me i love ur essays)

i think yes that's defo part of it bc like Especially leo does not know how to act bc he really cannot have chris die in his arms again (sidebar did i ever mention how my personal headcanon is leo always told piper that chris died in the attic bc like. he literally died on piper's side of the bed. i'm not telling my wife that i want her to be able to sleep at night) BUT i think it's also kind of like. bc he's like. "not powerful". in air quotes of course bc yes he is but compared to the large majority of living warren witches he does not have much to show, espppp compared to wyatt. and i think it's kind of like. like being neurodivergent in a family that still loves you that leaves you with this weird disconnect bc like like you are not a disappointment to them they love you it's near impossible for them not to love you but also You Know They Kind Of Thought You'd Turn Out To Be More. which just kind of leaves you with this gap between you and the rest of your family bc just they're not disappointed in you doesn't mean (in ur head) you are not a disappointment. wyatt conjured a dragon when he was what? 7 months old? and chris has really never become anything more than a telekinetic. so i think he always feels this kind of black sheep dark cloud like i'm sorry i'm the let down i'm sorry you got stuck with me vibe. (and then if we want to add this to the fact that leo's motivation strategies with other guys seems to be a little aggro (i'm thinking specifically of kyle vs tuatha s2 but my heart tells me there's another one) which also honestly i think speaks to leo's relationship with his father who Let's Not Forget chris is literally named after...... i think things can get a little weird 4 men in that family)

[la0hu]

masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god

[musical-dash-trash]

hey this is a little vent-y so if you don’t want to read that just scroll away really fast please!!

ew depression

[parakeetpark]

Uh oh. Essay in readmore time

What's so frustrating is that for almost all of my life I didn't know I had adhd, and only found it out 5ish years ago

During ALL of my studies i was intensely freaked out and even when i got a grip on some of my mental health shit at uni, importantly I was still unaware of the adhd. And only had some professional tell me about their suspicion about it AFTER I could have received any support in my schooling.

And I have been working damn hard over the last half a decade to learn about myself and the way I work, and be kind to myself and open minded, and learnt from many many different people with adhd how they function - especially through advice on here bc much of Google is shit, and learnt what does and doesn't work for my personally.

I slowly unravelled and found myself. To a point where I'm actually functional and content in myself.

So now i find myself in the most intense, stressful period of my life since then. Grieving and finally understanding what people meant when they spoke about grieving a very close loved one. How nothing feels real even.

And I've found myself so extremely wired from having to do a very vast array of tasks all crammed into a short space of time with a close deadline - exactly the same conditions as during my studies.......... where nothing ever helped.

Yet. In the last thirty minutes I've unwound because I instinctively KNEW what to do. I found myself following all the things i taught myself about my adhd, and now I'm like 70% more chill???? Huh?????? Noticed suddenly that I've been using my ADHD self knowledge for the past few weeks and coped remarkably well because of it.

It's shocking because imagine what i could have done if I had ANY help with my adhd EVER in my life from the adults who were supposed to notice in my entire childhood. Like HUHHHHHH, I am shocked. Imagine how I'm here as an adult using 5 years of learning adhd related advice and stuff I learnt through self awareness .... and feeling better.

SHOCKING!!!!

PS - long ass tags that immediately ramble away from my initial post and go into something positive and that made me feel fluffy inside. You've been warned

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I think I've been touchy lately about my feelings of access to/participation in generativity. I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately by how much needs doing and how much disparate but necessary information I'm keeping in my head. I should probably get back into my thought maps for the work on the yard and house, because I think that will make it easier for me to empty my head when I'm not actively trying to work on something.

[sbrn10]

Things that, without fail, are so specifically MY SHIT and I lose my entire mind when encountering them: ways (primarily metaphor) in which characters talk about their feelings without actually talking about their feelings. (Bonus points if said metaphor is incomprehensible to anyone and everyone else, but not a requisite.)

Exhibit A: "Where is duty? Where is sacrifice? It's trampled under your pretty foot again." aka that one time Alicent actually said what she meant and even then managed not to say what it was really about at all.

Which is to say, every day I think of some of the following passages and internally scream. (Yes, this is a rhaenicent fic recs post, just because. Yes, I am quoting things, although I AM trying not to spoil too much.)

blood in your mouth (I wish it was mine) by dontaskmedude

“Is that all?” Alicent whispers, despising herself immediately for the way it breaks through the serenity coloring Rhaenyra’s features. “What did you want, a happy ending?” Rhaenyra mutters, face scrunching in reply, in a look that Alicent might describe as self-conscious if she didn't know the princess better. “I told you I wasn’t any good at telling these stupid stories.”

Literally 5k of a dog and a wolf never being able to speak to each other in a way that will translate, written beautifully.

ride the dragon (do it quickly) by molter

Before she can school herself, before she even knows she’s saying it, sorrowful and hopeless—“Let fucking go of me.” But Rhaenyra doesn’t pull away. Strangely. Doesn’t barb. Instead, her hand remains right where it is around Alicent’s waist, her chin over Alicent’s shoulder, just as it was. “Alright,” she soothes, softly. “Just a little while longer.” Her thumb rubs along her spine, a little. (Alicent believes she means the flight; decides it, really.)

Yes, yes, they do talk eventually and I'm glad they do, but the first half is exactly, exactly my shit. Also, if they were ever going to work things out in canon, it probably really would have been this (i.e., shipping them both OUT of King's Landing, my fucking god).

love is complicated by molter

“There were these—these shoes, she bought.” Laena frowns; watches. Alicent doesn’t look back. “So beautiful she wouldn’t wear them.” She’d waited, for a moment. “Alicent, I don’t know what that means.”

Modern AU where Alicent is an actress and Rhaenyra is rich (yes, that's her job) and best friends take their time finding love, etc., etc. It's delightful in many ways, but I am quoting this line specifically because *points wildly at the intro paragraph*.

what is it good for? by bluebaric

“I never wanted a wife,” Rhaenyra continues, heedless. “I know you didn’t either. This marriage is unasked for, by both parties, and incredibly uncommon in many ways.” “Yes…” says Alicent, cautious. “I want you to know that I will make no attempts to control you as a husband might. And I hope that you might extend me the same courtesy.” Alicent can’t begin to decipher the implications of that first sentence; she’s too caught up in the absurdity of the second. “I would never dream of trying to control you, Captain,” Alicent says, in complete honesty. And though yet again she has agreed with Rhaenyra, answered in as appropriate a way she can imagine, the Captain still seems disappointed.

Okay. Look. Arranged marriage AU set in roughly Edwardian era Westeros where Viserys is the PM and Otto is a governor of the Reach and they bicker about whether the Vale ought to have more railroads built or not, while also shoving Rhaenyra and Alicent into an arranged marriage because Reasons? The premise alone is genius, but the execution is also amazing, chef's kiss.

thine is the queendom by liadrell

“Who was there to prepare me? I had no one, not even a friend,” Alicent snapped, taking a perverse pleasure in the guilt that flashed across Rhaenyra’s face. “I would not wish that on anyone, even you.” “Even me,” Rhaenyra repeated. “There it is again, your hatred. What did I do, Alicent?” What did you do? Alicent wanted to scream, wanted to tear her skin to ribbons. What did I do? It was you who abandoned me first.

We had three mostly happy things, and we are now back to mostly sad. I wanted to quote something from near the end, but felt it would have been too spoilery for the fic in general. Anyway, the author's notes: "alicent has never once communicated properly and that's the real reason those dragons are dancing" YES, EXACTLY. EXACTLY!!!

And finally, the exception that proves the rule, one in which everything is laid bare utterly and brutally, spoken aloud only once speaking has no power to change anything, least of all the ending -- aka the one I read only once before today, because it hurt too much, except it was updated literally today when I wasn't expecting it and. Well. Sorry, this is canon to me now, the show can do whatever it wants (also it's really depressing af because everything that happens from now on is depressing af so, you know. fair warning):

someone to watch me die by dontaskmedude

“The city fell within a morning.” When Rhaenyra finally spoke, it was with a softness, a delicacy. “Not much of a fight.” Rheanyra’s voice fell melodic on Alicent’s ears. She had not lost that tone — almost tender, almost fragile, if not for the solid sureness that always sang just underneath — in her voice even after all these years. Somehow, that made it all worse. This was not the voice of a vengeful god, of a vindictive usurper. It was just Rhaenyra.  “My children-” Alicent choked the words out, her throat tight and dry with disuse. “Are traitors to the realm.” Rhaenyra cut her off, lip curling slightly around the words as she bit them out. “They will meet the fates they deserve.”